•6:05 PM
Tuesday, February 16, 2010 7:26 a.m.
Emotions are raw right now. Please be patient, because this is complicated.
Our beloved violin teacher is Miss S. She works for The 'Zookie School. Another violin teacher, Miss O., also works for The 'Zookie School. Miss S has been teaching both our children for 3-1/2 years, is very dedicated to us, and we are to her. Miss O has been directing the boys' chamber trio for over 2 years, on behalf of the "group" aspect of The 'Zookie School (since the school is a 'zuki school, there is supposed to be a group class, but there is none at this school, so instead they offer this chamber trio, of which Chips is a part. They will complete three years of trio in May.)
A year ago, we three trio moms had a mini-mom's conference and decided that the trio's demands were difficult to meet for some of us. This is primarily due to the excessive homework the pianist was getting at his school, and the cellist's mom agreed that she, too, wanted to "stick out" trio for one more year, long enough for the boys to get the Gold Cup that three years of trio success would earn them. So in our mind, we have been expecting this to be the last year of trio.
Besides this, it turns out that trio has been rather painful to Chips this year, due to Miss O's selection of a profoundly difficult selection of modern music (Ulur*), a piece that even Miss S said she would never have chosen, because the boys were not technically ready for it. But Miss O pressed on, never giving up, until they learned to play it well through sweat and tears.
Now, a month ago, our regular violin teacher, Miss S (not Miss O) advised me that come May, she will be quitting her job with the 'Zookie School. Apparently the owner of the 'Zookie School had done her one wrong too many. Not to mention, she would be economically better off not working for the school. She has all the students she can handle without even relying on the school. But since she has a no-compete clause with the 'Zookie School, we will not be allowed (as 'Zookie customers) to continue on with Miss S after May when she leaves.
Unless she can convince the owner to grant her an exception in the case of our children. Which she will try to do this May. We hope and pray that she will be successful. If she is, then we can continue on with her (yeah!!) but have to discontinue our relationship with the 'Zookie School.
If she is not successful, she strongly urges us to take up instruction with her ex-husband, who is not affiliated with the 'Zookie School (and is arguably the most serious violin teacher in our metro area). Either way, it looks like we will be leaving the school this May, after 7 years. And therefore, we would not be able to continue on with the trio, anyway.
Of course, I have not been free to share this situation with anybody yet. Only my blog friends, who have no ties to anybody in this story.
This past Saturday, our trio boys had a wonderful competition experience. The judge was very impressed with their playing, and even clapped his hands and said "bravo" at the end. Additionally, he came out of the room later and told Miss O that they were "fabulous!" and "fantastic!" So they will be proceeding on to the state level at the end of April.
Which brings us to today. Today we met with Miss O for our regular weekly trio practice. At one point, she entered the room with great exuberance sharing the names of wonderful musical selections she had in mind for next year. Hmmm. I wasn't going to say anything, but the piano player's mom spoke up and said she didn't think she'd be participating next year due to academic demands on her son, and due to the fact that it was getting too hard on their schedule to continue. I chimed in, a bit flippantly, that "it looks like the band is going to break up", and Chips plumped down into a chair, declaring "I'm quitting because of Ulur*!" (Ulur* is the name of the modern musical piece that has given him grief all year).
At that, Miss O was silent, her face fell, and she turned around and left the room, heavily shutting the door behind her, and walked outside to another part of the property for about five minutes. All of us were shocked. She was obviously taking this much harder than any of us could have expected! Finally, she did return, and she did teach the boys again (the cellist and his mom were not present today, due to illness, so they are unaware of all of this). We two moms exited the room to go sit outside and scratch our heads over the situation. After only about 10-15 minutes, Miss O dismissed the boys. Then she came outside of the room, and told us we were making a huge mistake. That when she was a child, she did this, and that, and this, and that, and it was all very demanding but that she did it all anyway. And that this was very sad news for her today. She apparently went to a special school in the Soviet Union that was for musically gifted kids, and she was taught many hours of music alongside academics. Perhaps she didn't have to have her mom drive her hundreds of miles a week to various places to meet all these needs, as we do. So she obviously doesn't feel appreciated, and she doesn't understand how we could give this up so easily.
So I have come home with a heavy heart, because our own inability to continue on with trio is largely due to factors beyond my control, and which I am not free to share right now. I feel bad for Miss O, I really do. I think she takes her teaching more seriously than many teachers do, and it is not often that an opportunity comes up like these three talented boys. So it is likely that she has had her own dreams and aspirations for them in the future. But she has not shared her thoughts with us, ever, nor has she ever talked to us about how long we would continue on. It is a big deal, nowadays, to expect three students / families to be able to keep up something year after year. I don't think you can ever assume that things will go on as usual even six months from now. That's just the way life is.
I know there are changes coming up, but I don't want to burn any bridges with anybody. I want to leave on friendly terms. And we will be seeing Miss O all the time - we see her at church every Sunday, since she is one of their musicians.
So I am wondering what we have gotten into? Will we have string teachers guilt-tripping us all along the way if we find we cannot continue on as we did? I agree completely that this chamber trio has probably been the most valuable musical educational experience my son has ever had. He has learned so much more than he would have in any other type of larger group. After all, he is the only violinist! There is no other foreseeable opportunity in the future for a trio. And the boys have been friends and have gotten along well, most of the time. If any of you veteran music moms out there have any words of wisdom for me, please let me know. I just feel terrible about this situation. It really is a shame.
Emotions are raw right now. Please be patient, because this is complicated.
Our beloved violin teacher is Miss S. She works for The 'Zookie School. Another violin teacher, Miss O., also works for The 'Zookie School. Miss S has been teaching both our children for 3-1/2 years, is very dedicated to us, and we are to her. Miss O has been directing the boys' chamber trio for over 2 years, on behalf of the "group" aspect of The 'Zookie School (since the school is a 'zuki school, there is supposed to be a group class, but there is none at this school, so instead they offer this chamber trio, of which Chips is a part. They will complete three years of trio in May.)
A year ago, we three trio moms had a mini-mom's conference and decided that the trio's demands were difficult to meet for some of us. This is primarily due to the excessive homework the pianist was getting at his school, and the cellist's mom agreed that she, too, wanted to "stick out" trio for one more year, long enough for the boys to get the Gold Cup that three years of trio success would earn them. So in our mind, we have been expecting this to be the last year of trio.
Besides this, it turns out that trio has been rather painful to Chips this year, due to Miss O's selection of a profoundly difficult selection of modern music (Ulur*), a piece that even Miss S said she would never have chosen, because the boys were not technically ready for it. But Miss O pressed on, never giving up, until they learned to play it well through sweat and tears.
Now, a month ago, our regular violin teacher, Miss S (not Miss O) advised me that come May, she will be quitting her job with the 'Zookie School. Apparently the owner of the 'Zookie School had done her one wrong too many. Not to mention, she would be economically better off not working for the school. She has all the students she can handle without even relying on the school. But since she has a no-compete clause with the 'Zookie School, we will not be allowed (as 'Zookie customers) to continue on with Miss S after May when she leaves.
Unless she can convince the owner to grant her an exception in the case of our children. Which she will try to do this May. We hope and pray that she will be successful. If she is, then we can continue on with her (yeah!!) but have to discontinue our relationship with the 'Zookie School.
If she is not successful, she strongly urges us to take up instruction with her ex-husband, who is not affiliated with the 'Zookie School (and is arguably the most serious violin teacher in our metro area). Either way, it looks like we will be leaving the school this May, after 7 years. And therefore, we would not be able to continue on with the trio, anyway.
Of course, I have not been free to share this situation with anybody yet. Only my blog friends, who have no ties to anybody in this story.
This past Saturday, our trio boys had a wonderful competition experience. The judge was very impressed with their playing, and even clapped his hands and said "bravo" at the end. Additionally, he came out of the room later and told Miss O that they were "fabulous!" and "fantastic!" So they will be proceeding on to the state level at the end of April.
Which brings us to today. Today we met with Miss O for our regular weekly trio practice. At one point, she entered the room with great exuberance sharing the names of wonderful musical selections she had in mind for next year. Hmmm. I wasn't going to say anything, but the piano player's mom spoke up and said she didn't think she'd be participating next year due to academic demands on her son, and due to the fact that it was getting too hard on their schedule to continue. I chimed in, a bit flippantly, that "it looks like the band is going to break up", and Chips plumped down into a chair, declaring "I'm quitting because of Ulur*!" (Ulur* is the name of the modern musical piece that has given him grief all year).
At that, Miss O was silent, her face fell, and she turned around and left the room, heavily shutting the door behind her, and walked outside to another part of the property for about five minutes. All of us were shocked. She was obviously taking this much harder than any of us could have expected! Finally, she did return, and she did teach the boys again (the cellist and his mom were not present today, due to illness, so they are unaware of all of this). We two moms exited the room to go sit outside and scratch our heads over the situation. After only about 10-15 minutes, Miss O dismissed the boys. Then she came outside of the room, and told us we were making a huge mistake. That when she was a child, she did this, and that, and this, and that, and it was all very demanding but that she did it all anyway. And that this was very sad news for her today. She apparently went to a special school in the Soviet Union that was for musically gifted kids, and she was taught many hours of music alongside academics. Perhaps she didn't have to have her mom drive her hundreds of miles a week to various places to meet all these needs, as we do. So she obviously doesn't feel appreciated, and she doesn't understand how we could give this up so easily.
So I have come home with a heavy heart, because our own inability to continue on with trio is largely due to factors beyond my control, and which I am not free to share right now. I feel bad for Miss O, I really do. I think she takes her teaching more seriously than many teachers do, and it is not often that an opportunity comes up like these three talented boys. So it is likely that she has had her own dreams and aspirations for them in the future. But she has not shared her thoughts with us, ever, nor has she ever talked to us about how long we would continue on. It is a big deal, nowadays, to expect three students / families to be able to keep up something year after year. I don't think you can ever assume that things will go on as usual even six months from now. That's just the way life is.
I know there are changes coming up, but I don't want to burn any bridges with anybody. I want to leave on friendly terms. And we will be seeing Miss O all the time - we see her at church every Sunday, since she is one of their musicians.
So I am wondering what we have gotten into? Will we have string teachers guilt-tripping us all along the way if we find we cannot continue on as we did? I agree completely that this chamber trio has probably been the most valuable musical educational experience my son has ever had. He has learned so much more than he would have in any other type of larger group. After all, he is the only violinist! There is no other foreseeable opportunity in the future for a trio. And the boys have been friends and have gotten along well, most of the time. If any of you veteran music moms out there have any words of wisdom for me, please let me know. I just feel terrible about this situation. It really is a shame.
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4 comments:
I'm no expert but I am a mom. You, as his mom, know what's best for your son. If the practice time and all the running is becoming too much for you, then you need to cut back. You don't want to be causing stress, for sure.
Gracie is just starting her violin journey, but she's doing remarkably well. We're just thrilled with her teacher.
My daughter went to a Russian ballet school (here, not in Russia) for a semester and performed The Nutcracker with them. The owner/teacher was a wonderful woman who obviously cared about her dancers and had technical training and teaching ability that no other school could hope to match. She was continually perplexed at how lightly the parents took the entire ballet experience. For most of the families there, ballet was just one more in a set of activities their children were involved in. For her, ballet was life. That is the way she was raised and the way she had worked when dancing with the Moscow ballet. My daughter and I could see that conflicts at the school often arose because of this difference in expectations. We aren't a music family, but I do think it is vitally important for parents and teachers to be on the same page about what is to be expected from lessons. This holds true for everything our kids are involved in. I think I would pray that this teacher come to understand your decision and not take it personally. Perhaps you could talk to her, maybe apologize for what happened. I am not saying you did anything wrong, but her feelings are obviously hurt and it may mean a lot to her to know that you care about that. In the end, though, you have to make your choices based on what's best for your kids, not the teacher's feelings.
I have to remind myself that there is an opportunity cost to everything we choose to do or not do--when we choose one thing, we necessarily give something else up. And sometimes the choice we really want is not possible--like keeping your violin teacher and also keeping the trio experience. I hope you are able to navigate the various transitions this year without too much stress for all involved.
Please don't feel terrible about this. The teacher has unrealistic expectations based on a very particular sort of music and indeed life education she's had. Friends of ours lived a non-European country for a while and were initially delighted to find a 'Zookie violin teacher for their daughter. Trained through the Russian specialist music school and conservatoire system. It turned out to be a thin layer of 'Zookie over iron purpose and discipline. They stuck it out, because they were only away for 2 years, but were heartily glad to get back to the UK and 'Zookie as we know it. And now the daughter is at a specialist music school here, so is hardly a slacker or uncommitted to music.
Although we haven't had quite this experience, we've had a lot of pressure to commit more and more time and energy to music because our children are doing well. Both have music scholarships at school (ie 'high school', not school as in 'university'). If we're not careful the demands can escalate and all their time could be taken up with music. Some students like that, but my two need downtime, time for themselves, time for other activities. Teachers have to tread a fine line between having high expectations for their students, so that they achieve what they're capable of, and realising that although music the main thing in their own lives, it may not be so for their students. A well-rounded teacher may indeed be disappointed when a promising student doesn't continue or take part in something s/he wants them to, but they don't make a bit thing of it.
It was unfortunate that the other mum blurted out in the way that she did, but stopping a chamber trio is not the same as giving up music altogether. Even if the trio had continued, there would come a parting of the ways at some point - someone might move away from the area, and eventually the trio will split up as they go off to university or jobs. It just hasn't split at a point that the teacher was anticipating. And as I tell myself about my children, let's get real. They may be fairly good musicians, but they're not going to make a career as international soloists. They are enjoying making music and hopefully the experience they're having just now will be positive to the extent that they'll continue to enjoy it in adult life. It probably won't be their career - and of music majors at university the proportion NOT going into a playing career is quite high - but if they take joy in whatever music they are involved in that's a great gift they've been given.