This weekend, we cut the grass for the last time this year. We will not need to cut it again until March. Unfortunately, our big tractor was on the blink again (so what else is new?) and while DH tinkered with it for hours, I completed the grass cutting with our Sears garden tractor. Let me tell you that this meant a total of 6 hours on the lawnmower seat! Believe me, my back was killing me by the time it was over. And did I mention that I was freezing as well? Everytime I rode the tractor toward the east, the wind cut through all three layers of clothing and made me shiver. I have never been so cold while cutting the grass! That was the downside.

The upside was that I had six hours to think, pray, and process all the events of the week. There were several things to think about. Some were wonderful (see my last post!!) and some made my heart heavy.

As I get older, I have more and more trouble with change of any type. One change was that my new progressive lens eyeglasses arrived in the mail on Monday. They took some getting used to, but they are pretty nice. That is a positive change.

That same evening I went to our homeschool fellowship mom's monthly meeting. Whereupon my dear friend announced to us that she and her family are probably (definitely?) going to move out of state. Her parents are not doing well, and they would benefit from my friend's moving close to them. My friend is doing her filial duty, which, I suppose, is a good thing. But it is not a good thing for me. But since she is likely to read this post, I mustn't go on about myself, lay heavy guilt on her, and whine about how all my best friends end up moving away. I happen to live in one of the most transient areas in the country. Everybody comes here for awhile and then moves on. Especially if they are my close friends. I cannot tell you how often this has happened. Sigh. Sigh again. So, instead, I will say that I honor and respect her and her family for praying hard and doing what they believe to be the right thing. Even if it sucks for me. They have had a hard week this week. They lost a beloved pet. So life is hard for them. But I will miss them immensely, and I am tired of my best friends moving away. This was the first family to greet us when we began to attend our present church, and they are our best friends there. This is a bad change.

Here is another change that is probably going to make my readers laugh, but hey, it just adds to all the misery. A local restaurant, Fazoli's Italian fast food, suddenly closed. This is the third time this year that I planned to meet DH after work at a restaurant, and when we both arrived in the parking lot, found it to be closed and gone. But now, Fazoli's! This was our home away from home. When you live out in the country, you need such a place. How many times we have had to grab a cheap, healthy, non-fattening dinner at Fazoli's when we were on the way to some place, or on the way to supermarket shopping, and now we can't anymore. It is one less option for us, when there weren't that many options to begin with. After all, where else could we get a healthy meal for a family of four for $17, and be able to stop at Lowe's, or any other such place, before heading home again? I know it sounds silly, but I am going to really miss that place. I now know why they call it a Depression.

I am starting to hate change. Unwelcome change.

Today we had a congregational meeting at our church. Our church has been through a lot of change this year. There were some unfortunate events that caused one of our pastors to leave, and several families, as well. Our church budget has been shrinking for a couple of years, and now it is really going to shrink a lot more for 2009 as membership falls. It has been reaching crisis proportions. We love this church, but in some ways it does not resemble the church we joined five years ago. We have no building, as we didn't five years ago. It's a long story. There has been talk of constructing a new building, but various factors have prevented this from happening to date. Now, with the membership and budget where it stands, the prospect of a building, as designed, is looking slim.

But that was not what the meeting was about. The meeting was to ascertain the feelings of the congregation regarding hiring a worship leader and professional band for our weekly worship. Our church needed a permanent worship leader; a person who would not be leaving within a year due to graduation from seminary. Additionally, I suppose it was thought that our worship service needed a "pick-me-up". So, our church advertised for a worship leader, and one of the applicants has been leading worship music at our church for the past six weeks or so, as an extended audition. Now we are to decide whether to hire this 5 member "band" permanently. The price tag for this music group is extravagant, to say the least; i.e. more than 20% of our annual budget. As in, I am shocked that someone can be paid this much money for working one morning a week. I should have chosen music over engineering, I guess. I am also shocked that our leaders even considered this person, knowing the high price, and allowed him to do worship for us for the past month. Basically, they set the hook in the mouth of our congregation.

Imagine if your spouse brought home a luxury car to "try out" for an entire week, allowing you to drive it and fall in love with it before springing the ridiculous price on you. This is what happened to our congregation. Never mind that our church budget is about to shrink to two-thirds of what it was this year. Some folks in our church think that we should hire this band because the music is good, and the leader is a good leader. Hmmm. A few people thought we were in no position to hire such an expensive band. The meeting adjourned, and we left, rather depressed, and feeling that there was truly a wide split in our congregation over this issue.

I am troubled that our church is actually considering taking on this huge expense when, financially, we are "on the skids". I am troubled that there are so many folks in the church who think we need to do this. People who said they didn't "enjoy worship" until this wonderful band came along. Big sigh. There was talk of taking a "leap of faith" in this area. There was the implied belief that this musical band was guaranteed to expand our membership. My DH knows of one couple that did not care for the new group, a couple that had only been attending for a half year. I am not sure if they have been returning. And what about the building project that was discussed 6 months ago as a leap of faith, to expand membership?

America has two types of folks. Spenders, and savers. By spenders, I refer specifically to folks who spend money that they don't have. I see that both groups are present in our congregation. DH and I are savers. We are very careful about money. We are very analytical. We don't want our church to commit financial suicide. Adding this music band will mean that each household unit in our church will need to contribute an additional $100 per month. Just for the music. Not to expand anything else, not for missions, not for community outreach. Just for the music.

Are we paying for our own musical entertainment, and calling it "worship"? Someone said we need to "do worship right". What does this mean? Our own pastor has traveled to African churches, and witnessed firsthand what churches can do to worship with little or no money. Aren't they "doing worship right"?

When we joined this wonderful church, we did so because we were so impressed with the fact that this church appeared to have its priorities right. They didn't have a building, they didn't have a nursery school, or any of the trappings or programs that many American churches have to meet the needs of the membership. But they were seeking first the Kingdom of God. And with no building to care for, they were largely unencumbered by all the burdens and expenses and worries of taking care of a physical plant. They could use all their resources for missions, outreach to the underprivileged of the community, children and youth, and local ministries. The congregation was special, and had their heart in the right place.

But now, I truly worry about our leadership. I worry that they have been overtaken by a modern spirit of materialism. I was already worried that the proposed building would be too fancy. And as lofty a goal as that building was, I am now discouraged that we will never reach it, because we will go broke paying our professional music band. I guess I just don't have enough faith.

This afternoon, DH announced to me that if our church hires that band, we will be looking for another church. Hiring that band will be pure foolishness in his eyes (and I guess in mine, as well). But where will we go? I have no idea. No idea at all.

So here is where the lawnmower therapy came in. Six hours on a mower provided plenty of time to pray, meditate, think, process, and worry. About change. About the future. About the economy. About grieving the possible moving away of a dear friend. About possibly having to find another church. I really don't want to do this. I wanted permanence in a church for our kids. Especially at this time, when Baby Girl is on the verge of making her profession of faith to the church.

Too many changes. Too much heaviness of heart, even as I feel great joy over the Holy Spirit's working in my children's hearts.